364 days since we posted our intent to adopt...

What a long year ..... Jesus!

OK, first I must apologise. These updates were nowhere near as regular as I had intended. The reason? Simple ... everything else was a bit too much. Along with Steph I've spent the last year talking about my life growing up, my life after leaving home, my life now and how I intend to deal with life after adoption. Apparently Steph and I need to predict the future! ...... well, that's how it feels anyway.

Well .... we're almost at the end of the approval bit of all this. Here's where we're at: Our social worker is going to recommend that we be approved to adopt. So that's a big hurdle out the way. I won't go in to any detail of the last month or so as it would take to long. A hitch with the medical  (surprise surprise) being the only real stumbling block worth mentioning.

My blood pressure was shown as high. I've never had an issue with it before. Whenever I've had my pressure done with one of those automated pieces of crap it shows high, but when someone takes it manually it's fine. AT the medical it was taken 4 times and it was shown high, but it was with an automated machine. Less than a week later it was taken manually at my annual Diabetic checkup and it was perfectly normal!

Anyway, it was highlighted by the medical adviser as the clinic appointment wasn't reported. I got put on monitoring for two weeks, but I asked for an appointment to get my pressure done manually right at the start. Long story short, the manual reading was perfect and 10 auto readings were high. I could rant but I won't.

Next up is three things: 2nd opinion visit, health and safety visit, Panel.

• The 2nd opinion visit is our social workers manager coming to meet us to get a feel for us and see that, at least on the surface, we meet her expectations of what the social worker has said.
  
• The H&S visit just means I need to tidy my office up a bit ;)
  
• The Panel.....that's the be all and end all. There we sit in front of a group of people between 30 and 60 minutes and they judge whether we are suitable to adopt. We get out go or no go on that day.

A few people have asked me what we would do if we don't get approved .... well I can't speak for Steph but for me I really don't know. I know that I will be beyond devastated. It was hard enough to be told the news before, but for strangers to judge me and Steph unsuitable to have a child I don't know how I would react. In all honesty I have tried not to think past the 6th of February. When I talk about it, it's if not when. I'm taking it day by day.

I knew all this would be hard, but I have found this way more difficult than I expected. I know Steph is the same. Emotionally and physically I'm/we're drained. That's why the updates were not too frequent. I've been on the edge ..... I could have chucked this in months ago. Steph kept me going. We'll help each other through each situation that arises I'm sure. Although if we do get denied I may take the council to court over the money we've spent! Seriously though, we've been asked to do a lot with no guarantee of a good outcome. If one more person tells me it'll be worth it ...... ;)

One thing I want to clear up is friends who are pregnant or who have children....we're happy for you all!!! Don't apologise for having kids or being pregnant. Please! Don't hide the fact, don't shy away from talking about it. We have our issue to get over. Is it tough? Yes, of course it is. We both have good days and bad with it, but life goes on. As long as our friends are happy, that helps us along. Yes I sometimes get upset or still cry when I think about it. I sometimes find it hard when thoughts cross my mind ... but there you go.

This might be the penultimate post....in fact it will be. After the 6th of February I will post one of two posts. The first will be if we get denied. That will be telling you why and about how you won't hear from me for a week. My phone will be off and the internet disconnected. The second will be if we get approved. That will say "YAY!" and tell you about what happens next, along with a quick summary of the whole thing. I may even get Steph to write a paragraph or two. After the panel it goes all hush hush! lol ;0)

I'm going to go now. I'm happy to talk more if you have questions.....just give me a shout.

Ross xx

Our Adoption: Forgive us for now .... we're kinda burnt

Our Adoption: Forgive us for now .... we're kinda burnt: Hi all, I know these posts are getting shorter, but here's the long and the short of it ... we're burnt. This is actually starting to take...

Forgive us for now .... we're kinda burnt

Hi all,

I know these posts are getting shorter, but here's the long and the short of it ... we're burnt. This is actually starting to take it's toll. We've spent the last 10 months talking and thinking about us as a couple and what we want to get out of this .... and what we've been through ... and why we're adopting .... and what we do together .... and why we're adopting .... and why we're adopting, oh .... and why we're adopting.

It's taking it's toll. I said to Steph today that I could quite happily sack this off for a few months and come back to it later. It don't think I  (or indeed We) have ever been so mentally drained!

So here's the score:

How far through are we? We don't know.
How much more do we have to do? We don't know.
How's it going? We don't know.

If you ask either of us how it's going, please, if we roll our eyes or sigh first it really is nothing personal or about people asking, we just don't know what else to say right now. Like I said, we are both burnt with this.

From talking to our social worker we are on her timescales, so that's cool. We are due to complete this bit around Christmas. So .... Christmas is cancelled! lol Looks like we'll submit everything just before Christmas and go to panel just after .... yeah, I'll relax during that!

We both want to be as open about this as possible, and believe me we are trying to be as open and talk as much as we can ...... but please realise that we are both struggling with things to say without:
a) going over the same ground over and over
b) boring people who have heard it
c) boring ourselves
d) I dunno .....

We're looking at panel in January right now.

*sigh* ... I actually don't know what to say....

The past week we've gone over the following:

• Support network
• Parental Competencies (ours)
• Tolerances
• ... um ... Steph and I discussed views on taking in a child of different ethnic or religious backgrounds
• What kind of parents would we be?*
• What would we take from our upbringing
• What would we drop from our upbringing
• What would we do compared to our parents

* REALLY?! Would kind of circus clown would I be?! I don't know? Best laid plans and all that! They want specifics and what we would do! I don't know. You can plan for everything and still miss the most important part. It almost feels like an un-answerable question. This is my Kobayashi Maru! ( If you don't know it, Google it! ;) )

So yeah .... if our answers to questions are a bit short, please don't take it personally. If we don't seem as interested as you'd like, again, it's not personal. We're losing track of what we've said to who and what we last told you.

This has ended up, and is still so much more intrusive and draining than we expected.

We really do appreciate more than you know, the support we've had. Asking us has shown us support. A text has made us feel a hundred times better. Every question helps, even if we're unsure how best to reply and continue.

We were asked if we received any negative responses to our choice to adopt .... this took me aback. We have received nothing but support from you all. You'll never know how much it means to us.

We're getting there.

Thanks
Ross xx

A lot going on!

Hey All,

This is going to be brief.

There is a lot going on right now.

Just now we are going through a 16 week stretch of once a week sessions with our social worker. This is more intrusive than I expected. It's raised a lot of questions that I've never thought about .... in fact ... I've never thought about thinking about them!  :)

Anyway, I'll post a more detailed, as much detail as I think appropriate, post later. I'm trying to find a point where it's rounded out and I can pick a "chapter" to post at.

We've had a few sessions dealing with:

• Overview of what we are about to do
  
• Individual experiences growing up and what we've taken from our childhood. Good and bad points of how our parents brought us up.
  
• Us as a couple. How we met, what we argue about, our wedding, what we do together, our views (+ve & -ve) about each other .... and on and on and on ... )
  
• Our family support network
  
• Our friend/colleague based support network
  
• Why we adopted*

I'll keep what's coming up a surprise. The * was a note for me to say .... If we have to go over why we are doing this again I may go mental!!

Anyway, like I said, I'll post more when I find a nice bookend/chapter point.

All the best.

Ross

A Very Quick Update

Hi All,

We've had a few questions about what's been going on recently. Here's the current status .... we are in a holding pattern.

There's been a delay in getting assigned our social worker. Another guy who is going through the process had been in touch with the council this week, just before I was going to get in touch with them.  Aberdeen City Council were waiting on social workers coming back off leave and external workers becoming available, then we would get assigned ours.

We are supposed to get assigned our Social Worker in the next week. After that we start the form filling and personal checks/assessments I spoke about with people before.

As soon as there's more to tell ... well ... I will.

All the best and take it easy.

Ross xx

The Course, and what's next

YAY! I finally got around to doing this.

OK, The Course.

The course was 3 full days. 3 Mondays.

Day 1: The Unknown.
I already put up my meltdown post, so you know what I was thinking before we went in.
There were another couple outside as we went up to the door who were trying to get in. No one was answering the door. Luckily someone came by who worked there and we both got in. We chatted to the couple for a bit and they seemed very cool and talking to them put me, and I think Steph too, more at ease straight away.

So there were Steph and I along with three other couples. The two social workers went over what we would be covering, quick introductions, a tea break then straight into it!

We covered what reasons people had for adopting along with a brief go over why children end up in the system. We also went over what will be done and how we will be doing it. All really interesting stuff. So many perspectives aiming towards the same target.

A lot of stuff around how we help bring the child in and make them feel part of the family. This is where we started to find out about how we need to be very protective for the first few months. We really need to keep it to just Steph, me and Child. We really need to enforce the fact that we are the family.

We went over a lot about some of the emotional states that may be there, especially developmental stages and attachment issues. This is why we need to emphasise that we are there for him/her. We are their support and we are there for them.

A Doctor came in to tell us about the medical issues that the children can have, short and long term. What surprised me is that Alcohol seems to cause as many if not more problems than Drug using mothers. Problem is apparently that there is that much of a cross over of abuse that it's hard to tell where certain problems stem from.

That's a really rough go over, but I can't got in to too much detail, without going in to more detail and having to avoid the wrong details. Buy me a pint and I'll tell you more.


Day 2: HELL!
Day 2 was an utter utter nightmare. There was a lot in this day, but I will be brief as I won't/don't want to go into it. This day was dealing with an overview of the abuse and neglect that children going into the system are coming from. I can only liken this to feeling ill and Googleing your symptoms to find out you're dead or dying. I think I've died three times according to Google. It's all worst case scenario. What we heard was really really bad. We had to understand where a potential child may be coming from.

A few interesting activities which involved discussing abuse, neglect and how we classify kinds of abuse. Was eye opening to see how I look at one thing and other people look at it. The different levels of grey in identifying how bad something is and how severe a response is required.

I can see how it would put people off. For myself and Steph it really made us want to do it more. It also makes us want to do even better for any child we get. That may sound like a strange statement, but I don't know how else to put it.

There was one high point. A Foster Carer came in and spoke to us. I know people have said what a great thing it is Steph and I are doing, but it's nothing compared to what this woman does. It was amazing to hear what she has done and what she continues to do. No details, just a strong admiration for an incredible person.


Day 3: A Nice Ending
We started day 3 with a visit from two parents who had adopted last year. It was great to hear them talking about their experience and the end result. We also had a visit from the, I don't really know what to call her, head social worker who told us about what to expect and the support we will get.

The rest of the day was around what happens when we've been matched with a child. Here's a very high level bullet point:

• Our Profile is matched with children's profiles
• When we find a profile that "calls to us" we tell our social worker
• We find out more about the child and the childs foster carer finds out more about us.
• If agreed, we go in front of the panel again to see how suitable it would be.
• After that we start a familiarisation process.*
• After that (or just before, or just after), we do all the legalities
• Done ..... (should be .... kind of)

* We put together a small photo book of us, our home and even the pets. We get a similar book of the prospective child. We then start to slowly get introduced to the child in small bursts while also letting the child get used to us in their routine. One day we might go over for their breakfast, next day maybe bedtime. Another day we might take him/her to the park for half an hour. They will also start to spend days and night with us. Each time he/she stays with us, they bring toys and stuff with them and leave them here so they gradually move in.

All the above is just a rough thing. There is more detail, and you can ask me about it if you like. I don't want this to be too massive a post.

There's bound to be (I know there is) stuff missing, but there was A LOT to take in and process. There is more I could go over, but there really is too much. Even if I did one for each day I'd have to miss out too much.

We met a great couple that we liked. There were a lot of similarities which seemed to make the two girls nervy and the two guys chuckle ;) After all of my apprehension it was a great experience in more ways than one.

I don't think I've ever been more emotionally drained than after day two. Well ... I thought that after day one, then we had day two. 

So .... what now? Now, we wait.  We were told we would be assigned a social worker within the next 6 week. Should be. Any way, that would be about the third week of July. From there we start the approval process. That's the 35 (+ extras) page form we need to give the details for. We will have a home visit from a social worker once a week during this part.

From getting assigned a social worker to doing the form and going in front of the panels, we should be done and, hopefully, approved by October/November ..... yup ..... October/November. Not April/May like we thought.

That's it for now. Sorry it seems kind of a ramble, but I'm struggling to structure it. If I have time, I'll come back and edit it a bit.

Take it easy.

Ross

Bricking it!

OK ... well it's about 4am on Sunday Morning/Saturday night (depending on how you look at it).

I've tried to go to bed twice, but I just can't settle. I can't relax as I can't seem to switch off.

We start the first day of the adoption course on Monday and for the first time, suddenly I'm bricking it.

As most know I've been a bit nervy about it, just because of the sheer volume of information I'm expecting for us to have to take in.

Suddenly I'm thinking more about other things around it .... the main thing being that this is us getting judged. Not just by the council, but by other prospective adopters. I know that's not strictly correct .... OK, I know that's not right at all, but it's kind of how I'm feeling right now. I know Steph thinks I'm being a bit silly, but there you go. We were told that this could end up building an extended support network as we build relationships with other people on the course ... um ...

I've been second guessing myself over every little thing. Should I go as I would to work? Should I go smart/casual? If I wear a t-shirt will I be looked down upon? (Obviously, by the way, I don't mean a Slayer t-shirt or anything like that!)

This has gone right to the point of thinking "I HAVE to wear a long sleeve smart shirt to cover my tattoos". Now, let's not get the wrong idea here. I love my tats. I am in NO WAY ashamed or embarrassed about them. I've never really been worried about what other people think about my tattoos, but all of a sudden I'm concious of making a first impression to the wider group of people in this whole thing. I know how some people view tattoos, and also the music I listen to.

I figured I'd wear a long sleeve shirt the first week and then go with a short sleeve the second week ... and then I started second guessing that too. This is driving me crazy!

Every time I look at my office (trying to get out of the habit of calling it my cave) I find something else I might have to replace/remove. It's like I have to think about every little thing. I just sorted out part of my wall to take in to account things I need to move and things I will have up. I put up the cover of the new Anthrax album that I'm hoping to get signed later this year and thought the wall looked cool and a bit more colourful. All of a sudden the new Anthrax logo, which is based on an inverted pentagram looked .... well ....wrong. Here is the cover in question ....

Am I over thinking this? Am I thinking about too many small details? Too many conspiracy theories?

The point is .... I feel like I'm about to be judged for every little thing. I'm not great with that. With the Facebook posting stuff, I don't care. People on my Facebook may get annoyed with all the random posts, but know that that's not an overall reflection on me. If it annoys them that much, they block the posts. They know me for me and can get past that. I have my little annoyances, but I like to think that overall I'm a pretty nice guy and people take me as such when they know me. Now ... I'm going to be judged on whatever these people feel justified in judging me on while knowing nothing about me. That scares me.

Worst of all ... and this really is the worst of it ... is what if I screw this up for Steph? What if I do something that screws this up? I know .... actually I won't finish that sentence .... I have no idea what I know. Right now I know nothing. 

I know I'm looking at this too much. I know I should just stop and see what happens on Monday. I know that right now I'm my own worst enemy ...... suddenly I also know that I know more than I just said above.

This is a bit more rambling than I would have normally wanted to do. I don't know if this will actually get put up on the blog. I'll probably keep it in draft just for me . This isn't a cry for help! Nor is it a "woe is me" ... it's just a wee release I needed.

I don't think I've come near to saying what I wanted to .... but I think I've helped myself ... and now I start questioning it all again ....

I'm sure it'll go fine ......

Quick change of plans

Hi All ( All those that haven't blocked me after the Baseball Tweets ;) )

For those that were eagerly waiting (!) on an update next week after our first day on the Adoption course, which was supposed to be Monday, you'll have to wait another week.

I'll spare you the details of it all, but some people complained as the first day was a public holiday so it was moved. After Steph and I blocking off every Friday and Monday in May and June ... well ... grrrr.

We almost had a bit of an issue as Steph might not have been able to get the day off. After a bit of work she managed to get cover and we're all good. Crisis, and a potential 6 month wait for the next catchment, averted.

So. We have to wait an extra week to get going, but there you go.

Hope all's well with everyone.

Ross

We've got our dates

Here's a very quick one.

We have the dates for our course. 7, 14 and 21st of May.

That means two major thing.

1) After the 21st May things go in to full swing. That's when the interviews, checks, homework (wtf?) and all that stuff get going.

2) I get to see Black Sabbath. It's actually quite touching for me, in a pathetic sort of way. This will be my last year of going to so many gigs and for that to be my chance to finally see Sabbath, and a few other bands that I REALLY want to see at Download .... well .... it's nice.

More in May I suppose.

Later.
Ross

We've passed the first audition....

Evening All,

Well, we've done stage one.

I'm going to put this in to X-Factor terms. It helps it in my head.

We've done the initial auditions.....and passed.

Today was pretty much just for the social worker to meet us face-to-face and for us to ask any questions together .... that kind of thing. In all honesty, and I don't think Steph would disagree, we were overwhelmed with it all and maybe went a bit OTT with stress and preparation. I even half tidied my cave/office! We went through and made sure the Living Room, Kitchen and Bathroom were up to spec (or as much as they could be), along with the hall and stairway. That was the absolute most I was expecting her to see.......but you never know. I spent some time trying to calm Steph down the night before, while quietly .... well let's say I barely slept a wink. I don't think the house has ever been tidier, and that's with a guest Rabbit and Hamsters.

For the visit, we bought muffins (I managed to talk Steph down from two packets to one) and nice biscuits. When the social worker arrived, I'll call her Jill, though that's not her name, we offered her a tea or coffee. She declined, and I think that threw Steph off a bit. The biscuits are still sitting in the pack! At one point Steph was worrying over whether to do some home baking for the visit  or not.... seriously ... I was almost going to bake bread ... like we were selling the house!!!

I was feeling physically sick. The problem was that I had been sick on the Thursday night/Friday so I wasn't sure if I was just bricking it or was still ill! lol But, that's how bad it was for me, and the look on Steph's face said she was worse. I wish I could have been more supportive and calm her down, but I didn't know how or what to do for her. I really do suck at that at times. Sorry Steph.

The three of us chatted for just under an hour. Let's be honest, Jill did most of the talking. We just replied when she asked us questions.

At the end of it Jill said that she "had no problem" putting us through to the next stage/part of the process. That was all we really wanted to hear (I almost felt light headed) ..... but seemed we'd gone a long way for that 50 minute moment of approval ... and now it's only going to get longer. It seems a bit of a blur now to be honest. We spoke after it and I asked if I said anything out of turn or stupid, and Steph just spoke about how little she said. We both seem to have been in a bit of a bubble. We both decided we didn't do anything wrong, and I think Jill could see how nervous we both were.

To be fair, from what we (Jill, Steph and I) had spoken about, the council seem pretty realistic in what to expect. The problem we have right now is that we have pretty unrealistic targets for ourselves.

Well .... now that's done .....

What was learned today. By the sounds of it, we need to write a couple of essays about ourselves, who we are and how we were brought up. Also, we need to sign a waiver at the start of the process saying that if the child the is placed with us has a problem with the pets we have then we need to re-home the pets. I hadn't seen that one coming. If we had a cat or dog, then yes. I'd never thought about allergies to rabbits. Steph did. Before she even invited Jill in to the house she asked her if she was allergic to rabbits (seeing as there are three just now). Will be a big sacrifice, a very big sacrifice, but if that's what we need to do then so be it.

I'll be opening the X-Factor/BGT style auditions for your chance to be our references soon .... ;0)

Next up .... boot camp. That come in May/June This is the three 9-5 days we go to where we hear and learn about the process and what we are going to come up against. Also we will meet other people going through the course, people from the council, hear from people who've been through the process .... you get the idea.

It's three straight Mondays or Fridays, and yes, it may hit Download weekend.....and yes....I have already said that if I have to I'll miss Black Sabbath to keep the ball rolling........

As always, we both really appreciate every kind word and every piece of encouragement that we get. It's going to be a long slog, but we know it will be well worth it.

I don't think Steph even knows I'm putting this up. Steph, are you reading this? ;)

If this seems rambling, then I apologise, I'm never sure how to word or write these things. I kind of write them as I'd say them then try and edit them. Jesus....if you read the first draft ... lol

Was this readable enough?

All the best.

Ross

Not much happening right now

Hi all,

Just a quick update.

Not a whole helluva lot going on right now.

We have our first visit from a social worker rep on Monday 26th, Nothing huge. This is just an initial Q&A for them and us.....however, it does feel huge. Steph is feeling a bit panicky about making sure certain things are in place and sorted around the house :)

After that we have to wait until May/June to do the mandatory adoption course.

Thanks for all your positive words and encouragement for Steph and I in all of this, it really does make a difference.

Positive Thoughts :0)

Ross

Where we are

OK, so I though I'd blog what's happening as opposed to just going on about it.

I get a lot of mails, messages and texts asking what's happening. So, here's what's going on.....

We are now going through Aberdeen City Council as opposed to Aberdeenshire. The problem with Aberdeenshire is that they have too many applicants and not enough children. Aberdeen City have the opposite problem. After a bit of discussion it was decided and suggested that the City route is the one Steph and I should go down. If we were looking to adopt a sibling group then Aberdeenshire may have been OK, but we're not. For a single child we may have to wait years, with City it's more the expected process.

Right now we are waiting on a call from out assigned worker. After that we will have out first home visit/chat. Here we can ask the questions that we have and for the council to go over in more detail what to expect.

Then comes the start of the real process. Steph and I will be required to go on a course, probably in May. This course will go over what to expect from the process and what will be expected of us. Assuming full attendance by us we then go in to the "check" phase.

If I was being flippant, I would call this the "Who if your daddy and what does he do?" phase. This is where all the background checks are done, and I mean everything. Our upbringing, relationship with parents and siblings, previous relationships, police checks, council checks, health checks ..... and so on.

I'll leave it at that for now.

This blog will go on as long as I think (or others advise) is appropriate and will contain detail to the same level. There will obviously be omissions, but I want to keep you up to date.

This is my equivalent of a jubilant expectant father, so indulge me my output.

I'm off to make my music passion (or "obsession"(!)) seem less obsessive! :0)

Ross