I've tried to go to bed twice, but I just can't settle. I can't relax as I can't seem to switch off.
We start the first day of the adoption course on Monday and for the first time, suddenly I'm bricking it.
As most know I've been a bit nervy about it, just because of the sheer volume of information I'm expecting for us to have to take in.
Suddenly I'm thinking more about other things around it .... the main thing being that this is us getting judged. Not just by the council, but by other prospective adopters. I know that's not strictly correct .... OK, I know that's not right at all, but it's kind of how I'm feeling right now. I know Steph thinks I'm being a bit silly, but there you go. We were told that this could end up building an extended support network as we build relationships with other people on the course ... um ...
I've been second guessing myself over every little thing. Should I go as I would to work? Should I go smart/casual? If I wear a t-shirt will I be looked down upon? (Obviously, by the way, I don't mean a Slayer t-shirt or anything like that!)
This has gone right to the point of thinking "I HAVE to wear a long sleeve smart shirt to cover my tattoos". Now, let's not get the wrong idea here. I love my tats. I am in NO WAY ashamed or embarrassed about them. I've never really been worried about what other people think about my tattoos, but all of a sudden I'm concious of making a first impression to the wider group of people in this whole thing. I know how some people view tattoos, and also the music I listen to.
I figured I'd wear a long sleeve shirt the first week and then go with a short sleeve the second week ... and then I started second guessing that too. This is driving me crazy!
Every time I look at my office (trying to get out of the habit of calling it my cave) I find something else I might have to replace/remove. It's like I have to think about every little thing. I just sorted out part of my wall to take in to account things I need to move and things I will have up. I put up the cover of the new Anthrax album that I'm hoping to get signed later this year and thought the wall looked cool and a bit more colourful. All of a sudden the new Anthrax logo, which is based on an inverted pentagram looked .... well ....wrong. Here is the cover in question ....
Am I over thinking this? Am I thinking about too many small details? Too many conspiracy theories?
The point is .... I feel like I'm about to be judged for every little thing. I'm not great with that. With the Facebook posting stuff, I don't care. People on my Facebook may get annoyed with all the random posts, but know that that's not an overall reflection on me. If it annoys them that much, they block the posts. They know me for me and can get past that. I have my little annoyances, but I like to think that overall I'm a pretty nice guy and people take me as such when they know me. Now ... I'm going to be judged on whatever these people feel justified in judging me on while knowing nothing about me. That scares me.
Worst of all ... and this really is the worst of it ... is what if I screw this up for Steph? What if I do something that screws this up? I know .... actually I won't finish that sentence .... I have no idea what I know. Right now I know nothing.
I know I'm looking at this too much. I know I should just stop and see what happens on Monday. I know that right now I'm my own worst enemy ...... suddenly I also know that I know more than I just said above.
This is a bit more rambling than I would have normally wanted to do. I don't know if this will actually get put up on the blog. I'll probably keep it in draft just for me . This isn't a cry for help! Nor is it a "woe is me" ... it's just a wee release I needed.
I don't think I've come near to saying what I wanted to .... but I think I've helped myself ... and now I start questioning it all again ....
I'm sure it'll go fine ......
